Jokes

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Redskins Jokes

Thanks to Stan Booth

Two boys were playing football (in Wash DC area) in a park ,when one boy is savagely attacked by a rottweiler.Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a plank from a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter,who was strolling by , sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Washington Redskin fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Redskins fan", the boy says

"Baltimore Ravens fan rescues friend from attack," the reporter starts again

"I'm not a Ravens fan either." the boy replied

"Then what are you?" the reporter asks

"I'm a Cowboy fan!"

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes "Redneck bastard kills family pet."

Four football fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a different team in the NFC East and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans of their football team.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the New York fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Giants!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Eagles fan threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for Da Eagles!"

Seeing this, the Redskin fan walked over and shouted "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Cowboy fan off the side of the mountain.

Dallas Cowboy IQ Test

Barry Switzer, clearly upset about the Dallas Cowboy's losing record, decides to find out from Steve Mariucci what his secret is. So, Switzer travels up to a 49'ers practice and asks Mariucci, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?"

Mariucci responds by calling Steve Young over. "Steve, who's your father's brother's nephew?" Young answers, "Why coach, that's easy. It's me." Mariucci turns to Switzer and says, "That's the secret, Barry. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback."

Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Switzer returns to Texas and the Cowboys work-out. He promptly calls over Troy Aikman. "Aikman! Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Troy looks perplexed, thinks a minute and says, "Coach, can I get back to you after practice on that one?" Switzer (disgusted) says, "OK."

During practice, Aikman calls over Deion Sanders. "Deion, coach just asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Sanders: "Duh! That's easy. It's me!"

After practice, Aikman catches up with Switzer: "Coach, I think I've got it. My father's brother's nephew is Deion Sanders."

Switzer (angry): "No, No, NO! You idiot!! It's Steve Young!!!"

A reporter asked Deion if he would like to lose to the Skins once or twice.
"Both," replied Deion.

(You'd have to see the Pizza Hut Commercial with Deion to get this one)

Thanks to Eric Weinkam

A guy walks into a Dayton bar with a Rotweiler by his side. The dog is wearing a Washington Redskins jersey and helmet, and is festooned with Redskins pom pons. The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The guy begs him: "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The big game begins with the Redskins receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at about the 30, and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.

The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"

The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for 4 years."

Norv Turner had put together the perfect Redskins team for '97. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.

Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnia soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade traight into a 15th story window 200 yards away--ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right through the open window!

"I've got to get this guy," Norv says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football and the Redskins go on to win the SuperBowl. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXII, and when Norv asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight ..."

The old lady pauses, in tears. "... I'll never forgive you for moving us to Washington."

Anti Cowboys Jokes

Smoke some crack with M. Irvin Song

Thanks to Ron Funderburk

The Top 17 Signs Your Football Team is in Trouble with the Law

17
It's mid-March and they're *still* on the front page.

16
More coke sold in the locker room than the concession stands.

15
Prior convictions now listed on backs of trading cards.

14
Receivers have to check in with parole officer before running deep routes.

13
To save time, they schedule press conferences to take place during the police lineup.

12
Instead of "first and ten", it's "five to ten, with time off for good behavior."

11
Too many players are only allowed to play in home games.

10
Your Defensive Coordinator is Johnny Cochran.

9
"Today's halftime entertainment is brought to you by the Riker's Island Death Row Marching Band."

8
Cornerback incapable of covering opponents due to poorly phrased restraining order requiring him to stay 50 feet away from anyone wearing "tight pants and spikes."

7
Players frequently going over to Williams' house to watch "game films."

6
That kid in the tunnel after the game doesn't want your jersey, he wants a gram.

5
The Goodyear Blimp has taken to following certain players 24 hours a day.

4
Spiffy blue and silver uniforms replaced with spiffy orange jumpsuits.

3
Tommy Lee Jones is covering your wide receiver.

2
Starting quarterback has spent more years at State Pen then he did at Penn State.

1
Your star running back's new position is "spouse of the man with the most cigarettes."

How do you make all 52 Cowboys stand up at once?

Say "Will the defendants please rise?"

From D. Waters

A man enters an antique shop in a small town called Hamlyn. Most of the items in the shop are vastly over priced or just too tacky for him to want at home. After a short while browsing his eye falls onto a particularly ugly golden rat.

"How much of the rat" he asks the shop keeper. "Well the rat is tweny pounds, but the instruction booklet is fifty pounds" he replies. "I'll just take the rat thanks" says the man. "OK, but don't say I didn't warn you" says the shop keeper.

After completing the transaction the man places the rat in his back pack, leaves the shop and sets off home on his bike.

A mile out of town he stops for a rest and is surprised to notice a rat running along the road towards him. He decides to set off to avoid the rat. After 1/2 mile he looks back and is shocked to see 20 rats following. He speeds up on his bike, but is even more shocked after a few hundred yards when the size of the rat group following has grown to 100. After 5 miles the number of rats following has grown to thousands and the man is very concerned. Pedalling as fast as he can he attempts to outpace the rats, but is horrified to notice more and more joing the pursuit.

As he reaches the bridge on the outskirts of town he realises that the golden rat must be attracting them and quickly removes it from his back pack. As he is on the bridges he doe the first thing that comes into his mind and throws the golden rat into the raging water below. Immediately all the following rats hurl themselves off the bridge and die horrible deaths in the torent below.

30 minutes later the man has returned to the antique shop with a determined look on his face.

"I suppose you have come back for the instructions - I did warn you" says the shop keeper.

"Sod the instructions" says the man "How much is the golden cowboys fan?"

(Well it made me laugh)

Thanks to Hank Glospie

Chris,
Got some more Cowboy jokes.

Did you hear about Emmitt Smith?
He came home from seeing his mom in Florida and couldn't get into his house! Someone had painted a goal line across his front door!

Q: What's anothe name for a Texas Crime Ring?
A: A Dallas Cowboys Huddle.

Q: If Michael Irvin, Leon Lett, and Erik Williams are riding in a car, who's driving?
A: The cop.

Bumper sticker seen on a police car in the Dallas, Texas area: GO COWBOYS!...and take the Mavericks with you.

The Cowboys employ scouts. But not to watch other teams. To look out for cops.

The joke in Big D these days is that the 'Boys go out on the town wearing three championship rings and a home-confinement bracelet.

Thanks to Krishna Prasad

What do 52 inmates watching the SuperBowl have in common with the Cowboys?
...They are THE cowboys!!!

Thanks to Paul M.
The Sporting News reported a joke by David Letterman to an all-St. Loius audience: "I heard some bad news. If St. Louis Rams running back Lawrence Phillips gets arrested one more time, he automatically becomes property of the Dallas Cowboys."

Thanks to Keith W.
(In response to Barry Switzer being caught carrying a loaded firearm into the airport)
"I understand that Dallas will be exclusively using the shotgun offense this year!" (reference to ex-coach Switzer being caught with a gun in his handbag boarding a plane)

Thanks to Judy L.
There's a guy from Washington, DC (Redskins fan) driving from DC to Dallas, and a guy from Dallas (Cowboys fan) driving from Dallas to DC. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Redskins fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise the Cowboys fan scrambles out of his car and looks at the wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Cowboy fan walks over to the Redskin and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals. The Redskin fan thinks for a moment and says, " You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm going to see what else survived this wreck."

So the Redskins fan pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Cowboys fan, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship."

The Cowboys fan says, "You're damn right!" and grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half of the bottle the Cowboys fan hands it back to the Redskins fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Redskins fan twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."