Written by Phil Sarin (22/12/99).
Hi everyone.
I went out to get a drink of water, and, when I returned, there was someone sitting in my office.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"I'm an anonymous Redskins' team source close to the situation," he replied.
"Which situation?"
"Does it matter? Any situation you'd like?"
I was amazed. In front of me was the ultimate fount of knowledge, an anonymous team source. I knew I had to make this most of this opportunity.
"What's going to happen to Norv Turner?"
"Dan Snyder will not fire him if the 'Skins make the playoffs and don't win a game. If they don't make the playoffs, Dan Snyder is leaning towards throwing a penalty flag at Norv Turner's eye. If they go far in the playoffs, Dan Snyder will throw Norv into the Potomac River. If Norv floats, then he obviously is being helped by evil Cowboy spirits, and he will be fired. If Norv drowns, then Snyder will conclude that Norv is a good coach, but, since he'll be dead, he'll be forced to hire someone else."
"Wait...Norv said today that he wouldn't resign...and who would he hire?"
"Well, I'm closer to the situation than Norv is. Norv doesn't know he'll resign, but he will. As for the Coach, Mr. Snyder is leaning towards hiring Sonny Jurgensen."
"Sonny? Really? He's interested in coaching?"
"I am close to the situation. You can take my word for it."
"Okay, and so, what's Norv's and Dan's working relationship like?"
"This question is my favorite," replied the anonymous team source. He took out a quarter and tossed it in the air. It landed heads. "They love each other," he replied. "Norv wants to stay here as long as he can, and Dan will keep him as long as possible."
"...but you just said..."
"Hush. I know them both very well."
"Yes, okay...so, what was the deal with Matt Turk's finger? Did he hurt it playing basketball or did it happen during a football game?"
"Both. Matt Turk played basketball at halftime during the first Arizona game. He hurt the finger when he dunked over Tre Johnson and Tre Johnson broke Turk's finger for it."
"Is Darrell Green going to retire?"
"Well, he's going to start reduced work hours next year. Expect him to play in all the home games but not to make the road trips."
"Darrell told you this?"
"I am familiar with his way of thinking."
"What are we going to do with our draft picks?"
"We'll sell 'em. Mr. Snyder's stock hasn't been doing too well, and so we're going to sell the draft picks to other teams to help out his cash flow."
"I thought we were making money hand over fist."
"Yes, we are. A lot of that money is going to smuggling drugs from Dallas in penalty flags for LeCharls, though."
"How are we going to improve the team over the offseason?"
"We'll sign high profile free agents."
"Which ones?"
"All of them."
"How will we fit them under the cap?"
"We'll cut players."
"Which ones?"
"All of them."
...and just like that, the anonymous team source close to every situation and familiar with everyone's way of thinking disappeared.
Comments? Mail Pat at patb@aus.sun.com